Alton Attacks

22-12-2007

(Jerry and George enter. George's singing "Master of the House")
GEORGE: "Master of the House. Quick to catch your eye, never wants a passerby to pass him by."
JERRY: (Points to his head) Schumann. (George gets visibly scared) Where are they?
GEORGE: Maybe he didn't show up.
JERRY: What, you don't want to do this?
GEORGE: I don't think there's ever been an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up.
GEORGE: (Sees an elderly man sitting on a leather chair) Wait a second, is that him?
JERRY: Yeah, I think it is. (They walk tward him) Where's Elaine?
GEORGE: I'm nervous.
JERRY: Excuse me.. Mister Benes?
ALTON: Yeah?
JERRY: I'm Jerry. Elaine's friend.. and this is George.
GEORGE: (Holds out his hand for a handshake) It's a great thrill to meet you, Sir.

(Alton starts hacking, George withdraws his hand)

ALTON: Sit down. Want a drink?
JERRY: Sure.
ALTON: (Summons waiter) What do you have?
JERRY: (To waiter) I'll have a cranberry juice with two limes.
GEORGE: And, I'll have a club soda with no ice.
BENES: (Gives both Jerry and George a look) I'll have another Scotch with plenty of ice.
GEORGE: You like ice?
ALTON: Huh?
GEORGE: I said, do you like ice?
ALTON: Like it?
GEORGE: Don't you think you get more without it?
ALTON: (Pauses) Where's Elaine?
JERRY: Well, we thought she was meeting you earlier. She's usually pretty punctual. (Alton remains quiet) ..Don't you find that, George?
GEORGE: Yeah, yeah. She's punctual.. and she's been late sometimes.
JERRY: Yeah, yeah. Sometimes she's on time, and sometimes she's late.
GEORGE: I guess today she's late.
JERRY: It appears that way.
GEORGE: Yep.
JERRY: Yep.
(Both Jerry and George look at the door, anticipating Elaine's arrival)
ALTON: Looks like rain.
GEORGE: (Perks up) I know, I know, that's what they said.
ALTON: Who said?
GEORGE: The weather guy, Dr. Waldo.
ALTON: I don't need anybody to tell me it's gonna rain.
GEORGE: No, of course not. I didn't..
ALTON: All I have to do is stick my head out the window. (Waiter shows up with the drinks) Which one's suppose to be the funny guy?
GEORGE: (Pointing at Jerry) Oh, he's the comedian.
JERRY: I'm just a regular person.
GEORGE: No, no. He's just being modest.
ALTON: We had a funny guy with us in Korea. A tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific. (Long pause) There's nothing funny about that.
(Jerry and George turn to the door again)
JERRY: Would you excuse me a minute? I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.
Jerry leaves. George is left alone with Alton)
GEORGE: I just wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed Fair Game. I thought it was just brilliant.
ALTON: Drivel.
GEORGE: Maybe some parts.
ALTON: What parts?
GEORGE: The drivel parts.. Oh my gosh, I just realized - I have to make a phone call. I can believe.. would you.. (Gets up, and leaves)
(Scene cuts to the hotel bathroom)
GEORGE: Thank you for leaving me alone with him!
JERRY: That was brutal. I can't go back out there.
GEORGE: Well, let's just leave.
JERRY: Elaine'll kill me.
GEORGE: Where is she?
JERRY: She's gotta be here soon.
GEORGE: How could she leave us alone with this lunatic? Ten more minutes, and that's it! I'm leaving. I have to tell you, this guy scares me.
JERRY: The waiter was trembling.
GEORGE: If she doesn't show up, we can't possibly have dinner with him alone.
JERRY: How are we gonna get out of it?
GEORGE: We'll say we're frightened and we have to go home.
JERRY: Yeah, that's good. He'd clunk our heads together like Moe.
GEORGE: I don't know. Just start scratching. Tell him you have the crabs. He was in the military. He'll understand that.

Seinfeld